Are you ACTUALLY committed?

“I’m a bad yogi.”
“I shouldn’t be allowed to teach.”

“I’m not committed.”

“What am I doing with my life?”

“I don’t deserve to follow my heart.”

“I’m not good enough to make it doing what I love.”

“Do I even love these things if I’m not committed?”

“I must be lying to myself, right?”

All thoughts I’ve had about myself and continue to have in my every day life, before I’m about to teach, as I sit down to read, watch Netflix, or scroll through the “perfect” pictures and videos on Instagram. The thoughts can pop up at any time, in any combination.

Honestly, some of them are true. I haven’t been committed to many things in the past, or even presently. I’m half in and half out, always making sure there is an escape route, which usually shows up as some kind of excuse. I don’t do yoga every day. I hardly do yoga at all these days, besides when I teach. I’m not constantly working on my business like I pretend to be when people ask. Usually I’m watching Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix and feeling sorry for myself because things are happening like I want them to.

I’ve realized recently that I have this deep-seeded belief of, “Why try? It’s just going to be hard and you’re still not ever going to be good enough. You’ll never be as good as this person or that person.” Comparison rules my life. She’s a nasty little bitch that keeps me WAY small and has 50 million reasons why I need to stay in my tiny little box.

As I sat tonight and wrote down the things I’m grateful for, I realized that I have been doing it for 46 days now. I’ve been meditating every day for at least 5 minutes for ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTEEN DAYS! That is the longest consecutive commitment (aside from relationships) that I think I’ve ever accomplished. So why am I telling myself that I can’t commit to these other things (yoga, business, even my boyfriend honestly – save that for another day)? Why?!

I think it’s because they’re big. Like REALLY big and REALLY scary. What if I commit and become freaking amazing at ___________? How will that change my life? How will that change my relationships? How will I know how to handle any of it? The truth is, I won’t. There is absolutely no way of knowing the answers to those questions. But I am starting to realize that staying here, in this place of dissonance and shame and embarrassment, is most definitely not going to get me anywhere.

So, I’m going to commit.

I’m going to commit right here and right now to show up for myself.

I’m going to commit to practicing crow and handstand daily just because I WANT to, not because I need to be better than someone.

I’m going to commit to writing more because it feels good and what I have to say will matter to someone, somewhere.

I’m going to commit to doing the “hard” work.

I’m going to commit to wanting it instead of feeling like it’s a chore that has to be done right.

I’m going to commit to constantly making my relationships better and deeper.

I’m going to commit to staying present.

I’m going to commit to baby steps instead of big leaps.

I’m going to commit to doing all of this even when I don’t want to.

I’m going to commit to loving myself even when I hate myself.

I’m going to commit.

Will you join me? If so, let me know what you’ll be committing to.

**Remember, it doesn’t have to be a huge or spectacular leap from your current reality; it can be a small, meaningful commitment that simply moves you forward. Any step is better than standing still.

Brooke MillerComment